I’ve missed you. I feel like writing this as a letter to a friend- because to me that’s what this is. I feel at peace when I release the stress, the worries, the thoughts that keep me up at night. We all have them, we all overthink and it only harms us.
To be 100% transparent I’ve been missing a part of me lately, mostly because that part of me will never be fully filled and that’s because she’s gone. I miss my mother. Every single day. The pain subsides but it comes in waves every now and then. With the holidays around I feel like anyone who has dealt with loss can relate but it’s always a little harder around the holidays. We had traditions, we had stories, and we had so many memories yet to be made.
It kills me to think about all the things she’s going to miss in my life. The day I get married, the day I have kids. All the big days in my life will always be missing her. She was my everything- my best friend since I was born. My mother worked hard so I didn’t have to want for anything at a young age. I was provided for by my parents and although we weren’t rich in money we were always rich in love. The love one has for their mother cannot be compared to as I’m sure the same can be said for the love a parent has for their child.
Dealing with loss is hard. No one ever quite explains it perfectly but if I had to it would be like this: you love something so much and you get so used to having it around it becomes a part of you. Then one day it gets ripped from out of your hands and you don’t even have time to catch your breathe. You feel as though the rug has been slipped from right under you. You hurt more than you ever thought you could and your heart breaks in places you didn’t know existed.
It gets better though, as time passes you learn to deal with it or live with it. The wound begins to heal every day, you manage to get out of bed and change and finally start your day. You learn to talk about it without getting choked up (although I still bawl my eyes out every now and then). You try to smile through it all- you begin to do things that make you happy again and you find happiness.
You will find happiness. This isn’t a wish, it’s the truth. The funny thing is that our happiness is always around us- in the baristas who make our coffees and remember our faces, in the coworkers who bring you a coffee without asking, in the sunny days after it rains. It happens all the time and it’ll happen for you.
Give it time and keep the faith- I believe in you.